A needle of Hope
amid a haystack of Chaos.

Depths of Depression

Created: Wednesday, October 18th, 2006
22:33:15 CDT
Last modified: Wednesday, October 18th, 2006
22:39:34 CDT

I had a massive relapse tonight.

Between the flood and spending 4 1/2 hours trying to get home Monday to YHOO crashing on Tuesday and Wednesday, the end of habeas corpus on Wednesday and my piss poor job that only pays $400 a week (yes! $OUR HUNDRED FUCKING DOLLARS A WEEK) and yet i've saved many times that amount.

My hormones are totally fucked up. I rage and cry, i am hungry and not hungry at the same time, hold *and* cold, my lips are numb, feet are swolen, pupils dialated, there are purple rings around the inside of my fingernails which are segregated into bands of pink. And I am totally, dare I say irrationally, depressed.

I want to quit my job, I want to move to a liberal city ... but I tell myself these are both irrational concepts and thus I do nothing ... month after month after month after month.

When my boss promised me $20/hr and only paid me $10 after 1 1/2 months of no pay, I should have quit right then; instead, I was so fearful of not being hired (because I do not have a degree) that I've stayed there 6 months already; without a raise. That's depressing.

I cannot stomach any more bad news. I will vote in the 2006 elections but that is it. I am going to try to stick my head in the sand and become a good sheeple as being outspoken openminded and well researched has brought me *zero* happiness.

And I will even start going to church because it is the only place I can think of to meet tons of young people in a semi—social environment. This too is depressing.