A needle of Hope
amid a haystack of Chaos.

Loneliness and the Power of Illusion

Created: Monday, June 20th, 2005
23:10:29 UTC
Last modified: Monday, June 20th, 2005
23:25:29 UTC

For roughly two years I lived an illusion. An illusion that helped me in the worst of times and even made the best of times better. For roughly two years I never really had any one to readily share any thing with. I mean, sure, Nick and Paul are great friends but I only get to talk to one of them maybe every three or four days. Yet after I accepted my loss of physical proximity with Crefn around June 2004, I never once was lonely. Not until this week when the illusion was shattered. Perhaps this will spur me on to find better people, because obviously no one planned on things ending up the way they did, and I bet she has a few more regrets than me (at least I hope, lol). I still don't regret helping her, I just regret every thing I did after (like letting her leave me).

I think about Crefn's life and it makes me want to cry; yet I refuse to cry for her any more under the current circumstances. I gave every thing — I did every thing I could — to help her have a better life. I failed miserably, she obviously thinks she's worse off for it, and in the end, all that ended up happening was that I was tried in fire and she just became guilt-ridden :-/ I am glad I learned so much through the entire ordeal as it was quite affirming for me, in all I am a better person because of it.

In the end, the only things more tragic than me getting arrested are that Crefn has continued to be abused, and that the abuse happened to such an extent and she was hurt so much that the possibility of us being together was trounced by her inability to find me as attractive as she once did. I see positiveness in thsi for me, but I just fail to grasp how it can be positive for her, and this really saddens me a great deal.

This compounds my sense of loneliness.

Suggestion: Don't take my help, I always fuck things up severely. As my father says: Every thing I've ever attempted ends in failture; including my most virtuous act of trying to help Crefn.

Crefn, I am truly sorry for fucking up your life. No wonder you want to "erase" me. But, if you had told the police the truth about your parents' abuse two things are certain: A) you wouldn't have *had* to have been continually abused by them to this present time, and B) you would have more self-respect, if only because you arent' being torn down all the time. Mixed feelings about the entire thing, but still lonely. Thanks for letting me keep the dream as long as I could, I guess.

Note to warriors worldwide: She isn't waiting for you.
(you can also tell I missed taking my medicine saturday night lol!)