A needle of Hope
amid a haystack of Chaos.

Paths of Loss

Created: Thursday, June 30th, 2005
04:44:23 UTC
Last modified: Thursday, June 30th, 2005
05:05:23 UTC

Shock Denial Anger Pain Acceptance

I think that's how it goes. I was shocked 22 April 2005, I went into denial ~ 1 May, I went into anger 11 June. It seems like 11 June was months ago. It seems like 3 Dec 2003 was seconds ago. I used to count down double-digit months, now I count down double-digit days. I used to take great joy at prospect of just a year left. Indeed, last November I was filled with optimism of reuniting with my love, against tremendous odds that *I* would still love her. It's funny..the only thing I regret (truly) is that I set myself up to be hurt. I mean, what was I thinking? Every one thought I was crazy for believing in some one who >quote<hadn't matured yet>/quote<. It's so hard telling people she's different when she wants you to believe differently, just to furhter other people's conceptions of her.

Excuse me if I'm still in the Pain stage...It took me a full week to jump out of the anger :-) OK I'll admit it. I still have this irrational hope. It's the same hope that I had back in Dec 2003...That I can some how have a happy life with Crefn. The odds are just as stacked against me today as they were back then, so I figure, what the hell?! if one thing only comes out of this, it would be that Crefn would publically proclaim to all her future lovers: "Look, you will never ever be able to tell me you love me until you are tortured for my sake; or at least willing to give me EVERY THING you own...I know those guys exist and it's just — apparently — a fluke of Fate that I am not with him today."

Cheers to a degraded culture! It bit me in the ass twice for trying to help a lover. I am *so* glad I do not actively contribute to our demise and instead try to stop it with all that I can do. I think I'll just kiss this culture goodbye and seriously maneuver towards that Mayan cultural exchange program. A few years out of this society will do me ineffable amounts of goodness and my chancse for ending up in the first wave of pograms would be significantly reduced.

In the end, I'd rather hope in a 2% chance than basking in the foreknowledge of the inevitable: That people just don't realize at all what sacrifice for the other, even when it hurts, is. I just wish Crefn were more of a fighter :-/

but it's past my bed time and i always think depressing thoughts about us at this time of day. I go 22 hours no sweat but near bed time the only damn thing I can think of is her fucking body. I was so fucking dedicated to us that I never looked at porn, pursued any relationship, turned away a woman who wanted to make out with me for four months ... hell I never masturbated...all because whenever I would think any thing remotely about that sort of stuff I would just remember the great times I had with her and wouldn't want to either cheat on her in any way or reduce those pleasant memories by degraded substitutes. I don't know...if I were a homosexual really, I don't see how I would have figured this out in that amount of time as I was thoroughly fixated on getting back to her.

It's as if she ... died. but not really, she just disowned me, apparently. She's my prodigal sister, lol!