A needle of Hope
amid a haystack of Chaos.

Personally edited lmhosts file.

Created: Tuesday, July 12th, 2005
02:39:09 UTC
Last modified: Tuesday, July 12th, 2005
02:56:09 UTC

I hate livejournal. It has almost directly caused me to remain focused on a concept I once thought "defined" me. A concept another person pretty much ripped up into shreds. I hate biology. I am so glad humans are evolving past it.

So I edited my lmhosts file to reroute it to this site, which has caused me so much joy :-)

Now If I could just rip out my obviously self-destructive sense of sexuality, be free in who I am, and forget about finding and nuturing love ... then maybe I can be happy.

Because finding love is o so hard. You can die for people and i'm sure they'd just spit on your grave. or is giving up your freedom + health (physical + mental) temporarily purely for and with some one else in mind much further down on a logarithmic scale? I dont' know. Next time I meet some one who is willing to kiss me, I'm goign to have sex with them, lol!!! Male or female.

Tired of this 'you're not attractive' horseshit.

I'll just be glad when I have no inhibitions to say what I realyl want to say, because they will confirm what *Every*one* said: That they were not worth it, and that, yes, they used me in a most vicious way.

YOU DO NOT LIE TO ONE WHO LOVES YOU TO THE POINT OF DyING FOR YOU THAT YOU ARE IN A LIFE OR DEATH SITUATION!! WHEN THEY SACRIFICE FOR YOU DEEPLY, YOU DO *NOT* GO, "O I NO LONGER FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE...never did, sorry. Just 'get over it.'" A sadistic part of me wishes that more bad had happened to me, *JUST* so Nick (who left me in the desert), Paul (who wouldn't make a website telling the girl to turn herself in) would feel *some* grief.

The realistic side of me realizes that it wouldn't have mattered...they would have just forgotten about me...every one. This saddens me greatly. I don't think I deserve any of it.