A needle of Hope
amid a haystack of Chaos.

151.49 days — Strange Reticence

Created: Saturday, April 30th, 2005
02:12:29 UTC
Last modified: Saturday, April 30th, 2005
02:43:29 UTC

151.49 days, or 5 months, 1 days 11 hours 52 minutes of Hope remaining...

For those of you that don't know, back in February I bought a new box. 3.0GHz Pentium 4, 2GB 400MHz DDR2, 80GB SATA, plus the 16x DVD-RAM I bought in January. Now something is wrong with its fan, it ratches incredibly loud now and it makes me want to punch my LCD as it is very grating noise I listen to for hours on end. I plan to give it to my nephew (who is currently using a 1.0GHz P4) when I buy a new one.

I want to buy a dual Opteron box..somethign that will last me for a few years. I want to spend up to $3,000. But there's this *crazy* feelings of reticence when I contemplate this. While I have plenty of money to cover this, I just can't help but think — not "How could this hurt Crefn?", but — "How much would this hinder Crefn and I from having fiscal security in the near future?" Crazy, I know! I don't even know if she will talk to me! and yet, in an odd way, my life revolves around her even with so much uncertainty and time.

I have thouasnds of dollars. I am a penny pincher by instinct. I spend maybe $200 a month and bring in far more, for the last 6 months. The stock market investments provide far more than what I've brought in in 6 months and 90% of my pay check goes directly into either Euros, gold, a 2.80% mutual fund, or the stockmarket (when I have time). My unabashed goal is to have six figures in assets by this time next year. How close am I? well, that would be impolite. Somewhere between 25% and 75%.

So I'm torn between three paths. The first says, "Buy it; 3k is nothing and will be recouped in less than 30 days." The second: "She and you would be happy together no matter what the physical conditions; don't worry." The third: "She won't have any thing to do w/ you any way — you crazy idiot — why the bleep should you worry about what she could possibly think now??"

It should be obvious to those who know me where these voices have been nurtured:


  1. Primarily Me, my superself: Caring about my loved one before myself even though I have no direct evidence that she — in fact — still love me, and some indirect that she has "moved on"; although I simply cannot grasp that idea at all at the moment [clean break].

  2. Primarily My hopes+dreams: These have frequently gotten me in trouble yet I am willing to trust in the inherent justness of the Universe at least one more time; that's a lot since the possibility of still being loved by Crefn is pratically the *only* good thing I see (in my own life) with regard to the Universe giving a whit of help+support+love to ethical humans — especially after the 2004 elections.

  3. Primarily every one else. Every single person I have ever talked to about Crefn in real life (people online are strangely supportive) has told me that 1) life isn't that fair, 2) she was using me (Hell, even the detective said that), 3) you don't have that much to offer her (thus the incentive to save!), etc., etc. etc.

I wasn't joking when I claimed a vicious pyschological warfare campaign was issued against me from late 2003 to early 2004 and c) above was just the very tip of an iceberg that *really* refined me in fire, more so than any thing that happened in early December of 2003. No, my horror began 19 December 2003 when I found out I could not contact Crefn. I had simply never considered that possibility :-( But it wasn't all bad :-) 26 Nov -> 15 Dec were some of the best days of my life (and undoubtedly some of the worst).

The most escatic I have ever been was *exactly* 15 December 2003 18:24 EDT when the most fervent prayer of my life was answered in the most astonishing way...More on that another day.

Time spent composing this document: 30 minutes