A needle of Hope
amid a haystack of Chaos.

149.17 days — Low Consciousness :-(

Created: Monday, May 2nd, 2005
10:45:49 UTC
Last modified: Monday, May 2nd, 2005
16:47:49 UTC

149.17 days, or 4 months, 29 days 4 hours 10 minutes of Hope remaining...

OK, I am in a state of very low consciousness...You know? You go to sleep 98% happy with the current direction of your life, wake up at 4 AM due to a serious inconvenience and by 4:45 you are about 80% upset with your life?

OK...maybe it's my stupid parents, my asshole dad, or the lack of reciprocated lovers in my life. But still...

I woke up this morning around 3:45 to the din of crashing doors. I went, o crap, I have roughly 5-15 minutes before my parents leave for California for another 4 months. Maybe I should say goodbye. Well, 5 minutes later my dad comes *crashing* through the door, turns on the lights and sceams, "Where did you put the keys [to my car]? You lazy piece of shit!" While most of you just flinched, this actually is normal behavior for him, and I made peace with it in 2004; when I was so depressed I merely took it all in (and became depressed to the point of numbness).

For 15 minutes I frantically searched every known area of the house. Last night, I came home at 6:45PM, specifically thought, "They're going to California tomorrow, I should maek sure I put the keys on the table!" and specifically remember doing so. Around 10PM my mom put a pillow she made for me in my car. Yet she claims she "knew my car was unlocked" and thus didn't take the keys; ya, right.

At this point my dad had rolled my car so that it completely blocked the incoming lane. My car is dark blue, it is night, and he didn't bother putting the emergency lights on. At 4:10AM we hear skidding, and then a BANG!! Some asshole highschooler going 60 in a 30 around a blind corner, running a stopsign 20 feet away, going god-knows-where, had *barely* missed my car; and squarely creamed the neighbors' big mailbox. Lights go on in every house. My mom gets in a near-punching match with the guy next door who is all griping at her because of the debris and skidmarks; the highschooler (~17 yr-old guy) is sobbing at the steering wheel. I ask him if he feels concussed, he says, 'no'. I get his license #, address (he lives 5 doors down apparently (I know TWO people on this street)) and instruct him to go home. O boy; *every*one* gave me the 5th on that one.

Post-apocalypse, mom, dad and I are inside. I am once again viciously castigated for having lost the keys by my dad. I then ask,

Me: Wait, Mom, how did you get the things out of the trunk, because you needed a key for that?
Dad: SHE DIDNT MOVE THEM; *I* DID! You no good bum!
Me/Mom: O?! [notice how we ignore his insults]
Me: Where did you find the keys?!
Dad: They were on the table.
Me: O, right where I left them, eh?
Dad: You probably lost them taking the dog out or something.
Me: Nope, I didn't go outside once last night.
Me: Well, where did you put the keys when you were finished?
Dad: I don't remember.

Then it just devolved once again into a shouting match; in the front yard of course. The neighbor w/ the crunched mailbox came outside and told us to <quote>shut the goddamn fuck up before I call the bloody cops!</quote>

We moved the car back onto the drive way (after two failed attempts) with little dialogue, my dad flipping out when mom didn't immediately put on the emergency break. I go back inside and start typing this message, he comes in screams at me for not looking for teh keys, my mom no longer wants to go to California and is sobbing; I am tired of all this shit and start hating my life as it has turned out.

Any questions? Ya. Why do I find it so hard to move on? Why do I feel that the non-family members who would do the most for me are friends I've made in the last 1 to 2 years, most of whom I've only met online? Why is it that I only know four women +/- 5 years my age in the entire Houston area? Why is it that I am so wary — as of literally 26 April 2005 — about Crefn having "moved on"?

And finally, the question that realy shows how low I am...Is all this shit about high consciousness/enlightenment really worht it? All I've really gotten thus far is "happiness" through adversity lol. Ya, the only real thing that I am *perennially* dissatisfied with is how cruel and non-caring others are. I mean, it really gets to me every day and it is my number one dislike about having to call myself a human.

Things about me:

  1. I will never doublecross you

  2. I will never take advantage of you

  3. I will never make fun of you

  4. I will never steal from you (as in take that which is yours to your direct detriment)

  5. I will *never* make you feel unloved

  6. I will *always* reciprocate love given to me

I have never, ever had a girlfriend who didn't like me. I have never had any one say that I made them even want to cry. No one can claim I have ever taken advantage of them. And I've always loved non-family people *far* more than I have been loved.

I'm going on faith that the one I have loved for so long is all the above, as well; and have built this faith on the bedrock of her maturity and empathy. That faith is a key factor of my happiness and I thank her for giving me that lasting impression :-)

OK, in perspective, If I can but save the world and/or positively affect at least 500 million lives and/or someday lead a small country and/or find reciprocated love (esp. her's) all the shit in my life would have been worth it and I would *gladly* accept far more. This one single thought — primarily, one day being with her — has kept me afloat in otherwise the worst periods of my life and there is no doubt in my mind that I would not have survived either late 2003 specifically or most of 2004 in general without the concept of that love waiting for me. My experiences in late 2003 and early 2004 really did refine my noble character and spurred me to grow.

I think I'll welcome unconsciousness now and worry about how exactly I am supopsed to get to work in approximately 3 hours; giving myself 10 minutes to come up with a novel solution. And to think last night was one of the happiest nights i've had in a long time :-) O hell, i'm goign to watch the Desperate Housewives episode I missed last night; yay for consumer culture, IT has never made me feel unloved :-)

Time spent composing this document: 1 hour 15 minutes.